Metamorphosis: The culmination of a Dream

Hey Y'all,

I started this blog my intern year as a way for my family, friends and supporters to go on my journey through residency with me. On Friday, June 17, 2016, after 4 long years, I graduated from residency. I've been trying to put my thoughts together to write this blog post, as it will be my very last one. I wondered if I should write about my feelings about the journey ending or how I feel about those I met along the way or if I should just write about graduation.  Then it came to me. I realized I should do all of that and a little bit more. Today, I'm going to start from the beginning. This journey is my testimony and there may be someone who needs to read about my struggles and subsequent triumphs to know that their dreams can also come true. So, here's the cliffs notes version of my story:

I was born to Harvey Gales and Leesha Bell in February of 1983. I went to live with my Granny, Katherine Gales around age 4 or 5, while my mom worked her behind off to try to create a better life for us. Those who know me well, know that my granny is my heart. I decided I wanted to be a physician at the age of 6. I was blessed enough to have parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles who believed in that dream, even then, and told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. So, that dream was nurtured from that time forward. Through the years, I participated in majorette dance, as a Jackson Steperette, ballet and piano. I became a big sister at age 8 and subsequently had 6 additional siblings (my baby sister is 3). I went back to live with my mom around age 9, but my granny and I remained thick as thieves. I was an honor student and was in the APAC (Academic and Performing Arts Complex) program from 4th grade through high school. I decided I wanted to be an OB/Gyn in the 9th grade after seeing Dr. Catherine Hamlin, an OB/GYN, on the Oprah Show discussing the Hamlin Fistula Clinic that she opened in Ethiopia to help women who ended up with vesicovaginal fistulas after childbirth. All of my friends knew I wanted to be an OB/Gyn and they, along with my family, encouraged and supported me, even making future appointments with me.

I graduated from Murrah High School in May 2001 and started my matriculation at Tougaloo College in August 2001 on a full, Presidential Scholarship. I never learned to study in high school. Things came easy to me then and I even scored well on the ACT having only read the little handout they give you when you sign up. College, however, was a different story. I struggled initially because I thought I could treat it the same way as high school. Boy, was I wrong. By the end of my freshman year, my GPA was lower than what was required for the scholarship. I petitioned the Provost to allow me to go to summer school to try to pull the GPA up. Though I did well in summer school, it wasn't enough to keep me from losing my scholarship. Thus, I had to take out loans to pay for the remainder of my education. I pledged Delta Sigma Theta my Sophomore year (Shout out to my line sisters, the 22 T.T.T.T. of 2002). I continued to struggle a bit, trying to learn how to study, but still did okay. I took the MCAT my Junior year and made an okay score and subsequently applied to medical school my senior year.

During the fall of my senior year, I was the Vice President of our sorority chapter and the LMC for the new line. I was also applying to medical school at this time. In order to do that, a chair of the biological sciences department had to write a letter. Dr. McGinnis, who was the head of the department at that time (and also didn't know me from Adam), met with me to discuss my plans and goals. It was during this meeting that he sat and said to me that he planned to write in my letter that he didn't think I was ready for the rigors of medical school at that time. I was devastated. My granny had been having problems with her lungs and was in the hospital preparing to undergo a lung biopsy when I found out. I remember vividly going up to the hospital and telling her what he had said and that, because of this, my dream would likely not come to fruition. She was LIVID and said a few choice curse words. She underwent surgery later that day, aspirated and coded, but was revived with CPR. However, the sequelae of that event was the start of a long 2 month hospital stay, including an ICU stay. She was out of it the entire time, and didn't even know who we were when she was awake. We never got to discuss it again. I spent those two months bringing over that line, studying and spending time at the hospital with her. Around Christmas that year, I prayed to God that he would give her at least a moment of clarity so that I could talk to her and know that she knew who I was. I got a phone call early one morning, saying I needed to hurry up and come because she was awake and knew who we were. I jumped out of bed, threw on the first thing I could find and high tailed it to the hospital. I walked in and she was watching TV. I said "Hey Granny!" She said, "Hey," still watching TV. I asked if she knew who I was and she said "Yeah, Keisha. I don't know why y'all keep asking me these stupid questions." I just laughed out loud and cried. I still cherish that moment and thank God for allowing it to happen. That moment was fleeting, as later that day, she had reverted. Things went down hill from there and on January 13, 2005 a family decision was made to make her comfort care. She died that day surrounded by her children and me. I was her baby too. She loved me so much and I knew it. I was devastated that she had left this earth not only knowing that I wouldn't get into medical school, but also without seeing me graduate from college. It breaks my heart to this day.

I didn't get into medical school, but was offered a spot in a Post-Bac program at UMMC which I accepted. I graduated Cum Laude from Tougaloo College in May 2005. I never actually walked across the stage, as I passed out at graduation because I'd had gastroenteritis the night before, requiring IV fluids, but still wanted to try to participate in graduation. I wasn't too upset about it because I really didn't want to do it without my Granny there anyway. I did the Post-Bac program, took the MCAT again and did worse than I did the first time. I graduated with my Masters in May 2007 having, once again, not gotten into medical school. I was crushed. I remember telling my mom on the day of graduation that maybe being a doctor just wasn't in the cards for me and maybe I should just dream a new dream. She told me that I shouldn't give up and that it would happen in God's time. I didn't believe it.

On June 21, 2007, Jai was born to someone close to me. She was struggling a bit and I wanted to help. Jai came to live with me when she was 3 days old. Here I was with a brand new, beautiful baby. There was no baby shower or any of the usual things that happen when people have a baby. I just figured it out as I went. Around August of that year, I started working as a Regions bank teller. I applied to medical school for the 3rd time and told myself it would be my last. In December of 2007, I received an email that I had been accepted at UMMC. God blessed me just as I was about to give up. I realize now that he didn't allow me to get in initially because his plan was for me to raise Jai. If I had been in the throws of medical school, I may not have felt as though I could do it. He was waiting so He could bless me with the best gift I've ever received: my baby girl.

I started medical school in August of 2008. Again, I struggled the first two years, because I'd study all day and all night, but would still have trouble retaining the information. I struggled so much that I missed getting a 75 in physiology by 3 tenths of a point and had to go to Georgetown in Washington D.C. for 6 weeks between first and second year to retake it. I finished that course with a B. At the end of second year, I went to see a specialist, took a 2 hour test, and was diagnosed with ADD, impulsive type. I was provided with tools to help me create a study plan that would fit me and subsequently drastically improved my scores on exams. My STEP 2 score even increased by over 20 points in comparison to my step one score. Throughout medical school, I had to balance being a mom and being a medical student. People always asked how I did it but it's hard to answer that question because when you have to do something, you just do it. I learned about hard work and sacrifice from my mom. She just did it, because that was her only option. There were many times I brought her to the hospital with me to study and she watched movies on her ipad, ate snacks and slept on her sleep mat on the floor in the classroom wing. I applied and interviewed for OB/Gyn residency during my 4th year and subsequently matched at my first choice, UMMC. I graduated from Medical School in May of 2012. My entire family was there wearing shirts with my name on them that read "I'm with the doctor" and rang cow bells (since I was becoming Dr. Bell) as I walked across the stage. The love was palpable and I knew that they were so proud of me. We even made the cover of the university magazine because of it.

If you have been following my blog, you know the rest of the story and what residency has been like for me. There have been many hard times and many struggles. There were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it, yet I made it through. During the last 30 days prior to graduation, I posted "thankfulness" posts on facebook stating one thing I was thankful for from residency. Doing that truly helped me to reflect on my time as an OB/Gyn resident at the university. While I couldn't wait for the day to come, as it approached I became extremely nostalgic and even sad because there will be many things I will miss about it. I graduated on the 17th and was blessed to receive not only my certificate of completion, but also the Chief Resident Award, the Best Resident Teacher Award (voted on by my fellow residents) and the Society for Maternal Fetal Medicine Award for Excellence in Obstetrics. I was so surprised by that because I still don't see myself as one of those people that is considered for awards. I don't know why that is, but I feel so tremendously blessed that I was not only considered, but chosen. I was overwhelmed with emotion because I felt that after all of these years of hard work, God was saying "well done." I also had a chance to give out the award that I decided to create in my daughter's name: The Jai Williams Board Award, which will pay for one rising senior resident's written boards each year. I know what it is like to struggle financially in residency and really wanted to give back. I know it's only a small amount, but I also know that every little bit helps.

I didn't have an opportunity to prepare a speech for that night, so I got up there and babbled incoherently, then I was disappointed that I really didn't have an opportunity to say everything that was in my heart. Then I realized, that my blog may be a better place to do it anyway, because those who love and support me will have an opportunity to hear (or read) it also. So, below is the speech that I would have loved to give:

Thank you so much to everyone who is here in support of me tonight. There is no way that I could have made it through this if it were not for the people at my table tonight as well as those who could not be here because of ticket constraints. To my mama, from whom I learned fierce work ethic and the art of sacrifice, thank you for your love, support, your constant prayers; for always being there for me and Jai even when you are two thousand miles away. Thank you for reminding me that I'm still your baby girl when I say that it makes no sense that you're still having to help me at the age of 33. If I become half the woman you are, I will be blessed. Thank you to my daddy who always told us "whatever you are in life, be the best at it. If you're a garbage man, be the  best one." I've carried that with me throughout my life. To my grandma, thank you for ensuring I didn't starve. To my aunt Yolanda and Uncle Aaron, thank you for your unwavering support, encouraging words and financial blessings throughout my journey. Thank you to my Aunt Jerry for your unwavering support, encouragement and for german chocolate cakes. To my brothers and sisters, I hope that I have set a great example for you; and that you know from watching my journey that anything is possible. To my cousins, thank you for supporting me and always letting me know how much I inspire you. To the man in my life, thank you for coming into my life at a time when I had determined that I would be alone for the rest of my life and showing me that that was not the plan. Thank you for loving me through this and always letting me know how proud you are of me. To my friends who couldn't be here, thank you for the calls, texts and Facebook posts of encouragement and for always believing in my dream. Thank you, also for continuing to invite me to events, even when you know I won't be able to make it. That meant more to me than you know. To all of the aforementioned, thank you for keeping me in your prayers. To my Thirsty Thursday crew, thank you for being such an important part of my life. I wouldn't have made it through without those vent sessions.

To the little love of my life, my baby girl, thank you for being on this journey with me. When I've wanted to give up, I've looked at your sweet face and remembered that I'm not just doing this for me. I pray that seeing me work so hard will inspire you to do the same in the future. I always worry about the damage residency has done to you with having to get up at 4 AM some mornings so that I could come round to me missing important events at school because of work. I pray that instead of being scarred, you will be able to look back and say, "my mama set a great example for me." When you came into my life, I thought that I was being a blessing to you, instead you were a blessing to me. I love you more than words can say. Right now, you don't know what life is like outside of medical school and residency, as you were only 1 when we started. I am looking forward to showing you what real life is like. We're about to have some really awesome experiences because of mama's hard work and the sacrifices we've both made

Thank you to the attendings who have participated in my training for teaching me the art of medicine and surgery. Thank you to Dr. Owens for being in my corner, for being a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself and for that fantastic introduction that you did for me tonight.

To my co-residents, I'm so glad to have been on this journey with you. Thank you for allowing me to be your chief resident and be our voice. It has ben such an honor and a privilege. Rising 3rd years, remember was it was like to be an intern and be kind to the incoming interns even when you are frustrated. Remember that it is possible to be tough on a person and show love at the same time. To the rising senior residents, remember that patience is a virtue and that those below you will be looking to you as an example. Be a good one. To all of you who will be here next year, be kind to one another and remember to talk to one another when you have a problem. To the #1 night team, you two are fantastic physicians and it has been such a pleasure to have been a part of your training. I know you will continue to make me proud. I love you and I will miss you all.

To the fantastic nurses and ancillary staff that I've had the opportunity to work with and get to know over the last 4 years: Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being on my team and working with me to provide the best patient care we can. Thank you for the encouragement, love and support you've given me over the years. We have laughed, cried and saved lives together. I love you all so much. You all mean more to me than you will every know. I pray that the nurses at my new hospital will be as great as you all.

To my classmates, the class of 2016, It's been a privilege to share this journey with you. You all are fantastic physicians. The cities that you are taking your talents to will be all the better because you are providing care in them. I wish you the best.

To the patients that I've had the honor and privilege to take care of, thank you for allowing me to be a part of some of the most wonderful and most heart breaking parts of your life. Thank you for the many lessons that you have taught me; not only medical lessons, but also life lessons.

Lastly, to My Lord and Savior: Thank you for every dark time, every valley, every "NO," every heartache and every ounce of sorrow because it makes me appreciate the tremendous blessings you've bestowed upon me even more. Looking back on my journey, I realize that ALL of it was necessary for me to become the woman and physician that I am today. You are so awesome and you just continue to show out in my life daily. I thank you for my tests that have given me my testimony. I thank you for every storm that has given me rainbows.

I have NO DOUBT that God is real. If He wasn't, I would not be who I am today. There aren't many people who can say that a dream that they've had since the age of 6 actually came true. I pray that my Granny and my grandaddy (who passed in November 2014) are sitting at the Lord's side and were able to see me graduate on Friday and know that I finally made it. I hope I have made them, as well as the rest of my family, friends and supporters proud.

Thank you to all of you who have read and supported my blog throughout the years. Now, it's time for me to turn the page to this new chapter in my life. I may continue to blog as I go through my new journey as a physician outside of residency. But, for right now, I'm going to focus on studying for and taking the written boards on 6/27 and getting moved.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers and ask God to open my mind while I'm studying for boards and help me to not be anxious on test day. Pray that I am able to do my best and pass with flying colors and that he makes our move to Arizona a smooth one.

I want to leave you with this: Everyone who knows me knows that I love butterflies. They are so beautiful and symbolize a new creation or new beginning. There's a story called the Lesson of the Butterfly about a man who saw a butterfly wriggling and writhing, struggling to get out of the cocoon. He decided to help her by cutting the cocoon open and freeing her. However, the butterfly's wings were all wrinkled, dragging the ground and she was never able to fly. The struggle was what would've allowed the butterfly to not only get her colors but also to fly. So, the struggle was necessary for her to be the beautiful, colorful, airborne butterfly that God designed her to be. Today, as I stand here looking at my beautiful wings (my accomplishments) and preparing to take off to Arizona, I'm thankful to God for my struggle and for those who stood to the side encouraging me and cheering me on as I fought my way out of the darkness and flew toward the light of my dream. The struggle was, indeed, necessary.



With Love, Your Favorite MD,

Keisha B.

Mahogany Pearl: "Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly." - unknown

P.S. - I attached some pictures from graduation as well as the slideshow that was shown at my graduation for those of you who couldn't be there. There is music on the slideshow, so make sure you turn your volume up. Again, thanks so much for your unwavering support. :-)