Mahogany Pearls: The Residency Chronicles of Keisha B., MD: February 2015

Hey sweet friends and family of mine!

It has been eons since I have had the time to write my blog and, of course, a lot has happened in the last 4 months. I have completed all of my obstetric months for my third year and survived 2 months of gynecology oncology back-to-back. I am now preparing to go "away" to Hattiesburg for 4 months for my rotation, which I'll talk more about later. I've also had quite a few things happen in my personal life during this time. My grandfather passed away, unexpectedly, in November. It's something I'm still dealing with as he was the only grandfather I ever had and he was a wonderful one. He was truly one of the greatest men I've ever known. While I'm so thankful that he was there for all of the big milestones and achievements in my life up until that time, I am saddened by the fact that he won't get to see me get married, watch me graduate from residency, get my first real job, etc. I know he will be looking down on me with great pride, but it's not the same as having him here. I also have regrets about not spending time with him like I should have and not telling him what he meant to me while he had a chance to hear it. With every experience like this, I am reminded that you cannot allow life to get so busy that you don't take time for the one's that you love because once they're gone, so is your opportunity.

I've also been going through some pretty serious financial things, as it is difficult being a resident on a resident's salary and raising a child. When you throw other craziness on top of that, sometimes it feels as though I can barely keep my head above water. I have always been the type to handle things on my own and not share my struggles and difficulties with anyone. I think I get that from those who raised me. But I am thankful for friends and family who are able to read me well and reach out to offer a helping hand when I am too stubborn to ask. I struggled with whether or not I should even write this here, but something in my spirit told me that there may be someone in the same situation who needs to read this and know that in spite of everything, God is still Good. He continues to make a way out of what I thought was no way. I cant even tell you how He's been moving in my life, ensuring that Jai's and my needs are met. There is no way I can ever thank Him for all He has done and is doing for me, nor can I ever thank His earthly angels enough. He is truly Jehovah Jireh.

In January, I had another unexpected loss. I was on oncology and one of our patients, whom I had gotten to know quite well since I met her when I was a second year, passed away. Her passing hit me really hard, to the point where I shed tears and would even dream about her at night. I didn't understand why I was taking it so hard, but it felt like I had lost a family member. I had been there during the most tough time of her life and I kept remembering one of our last conversations when I hugged her and told her the decision for how she would move forward was hers and we would be there to support her in whatever she decided to do. Her death was also unexpected, and because I was on vacation that week, I had not had a chance to see her or say see you later. It really bothered my soul. However, I am so glad that she is now fully restored and with the Lord. This reminded me of one of the many reasons why I could never be a Gyn/Oncologist, but also reaffirmed that medicine is my calling. He puts me in these situations and allows me to form these relationships for a reason. I know she was thankful for the roles we played in her life and the care we gave because she always made it a point to say so. I consider it an honor and a privilege to have been a part of her healthcare team. I'll just have to take the tears and heartache that sometimes comes with it.

Now, on to February. My little brother Chris was deployed this past Monday and can be gone for up to 400 days. If you know me, you know I sometimes have the habit of pretending things aren't happening so I don't have to deal with them. This is what I did in this situation. I helped my mom in raising Chris while she was working and traveling to support us (for which we are so proud of her!). I took him everywhere with me, went to his parent-teacher conferences, took him to his after school activities, etc. Our relationship hit a rocky spot and never really got back on track, but my love for him has never changed. I'm afraid for him going off to serve our country with all that is going on with ISIS and other dangers that we are unaware of and it saddens me that he's going away without our relationship being fixed. With all that we've been through together, we have to fix it. Honestly, I need a better relationship with all of my siblings. Hopefully I will have a chance to make that happen.

With all of the aforementioned going on in addition to some things that I have chosen to keep to myself, it can be easily assumed that the last few months weren't great for me. However, I continued to pray, ask others to pray with and for me, and trust and believe that God would make a way and bring me peace. I began meditating on Psalm 91 and started getting up 15 minutes earlier every morning to spend some alone time with God, reading my devotion and praying. It has made a world of difference! If you don't do it, I highly recommend that you start. It has helped me to continue pressing forward and ensure that nothing that I have going on affects my work. I also decided that I was going to ensure that I found at least one thing to be thankful for every day. I know I'm going through some things but there are other people who are going through things that are much worse. It could be me in those situations, but God….

I've slowly been seeing breakthroughs that I know no one could have made happen but the Lord. He continues to show me His goodness daily. Then, He started to show out! On the evening of the day my brother was deployed, I received a call from our residency program director informing me that I had been chosen for the position of Administrative Chief Resident for our residency program. I was speechless. Everyone close to me knows that I truly never thought I could or would ever be the chief resident. My personality is so much different than most of the people in my program and I have been called brash and tough. I speak my mind and really don't take crap from people and sometimes that doesn't go over well. While I always work my behind off and try to provide the very best patient care that I can, I've always felt that it was kind of overlooked. No, I don't feel like people should be patting me on the back all the time, but when you work 80 hours a week and are away from your family, a "good job" here and there goes a long way. I didn't feel like the work I did was acknowledged but, I always made it a point to continue to work hard, because I want what I do to be pleasing to God. He blessed me to be in this situation. There aren't many people who can say that they are living a dream that they had for themselves since they were 6 years old, but I can. To half do my job would be spitting in the face of God. Monday, with that call, I realized that people have been watching and taking notice. Most of all, God has been watching and for me, this felt like a "well done." I am so humbled by it and still can't believe it happened. The announcement was made to everyone on my birthday (2/20); what a great birthday gift! I was a little hurt that there were a couple of people who didn't even say congratulations, especially one person who I had been there for many times throughout the years, but it still couldn't take away my joy. My God, and clearly many others, think I am deserving whether they do or not. And I have some really great family, friends, a some fellow residents who are thrilled and so proud. My baby girl said she is so proud of me for becoming "Chief President"

I pray that I will do this job in a way that is pleasing to Him. I pray that He keeps me in line and always ensures that I am fair and do things the way He would have me to do them. I need y'all to pray with me that He will control my tongue, as I will now be sitting in meetings with staff and the chair of my department as well as chiefs of other departments and I need to always be productive in my conversations. I pray that I work well with the Education Chief. I pray for patience in learning the position and in dealing with my fellow residents and I pray for humility. Most of all I just pray to do a great job and that I always remember who it is I truly serve.

At times like this I always think of my granny, and now my grandaddy, who I would love to call and tell this good news to. If I could just pick up the phone one more time and talk them and hear the their voices it would mean so much to me. I just hope they are proud of me.

I consider this blog a bit of a testimony. Just when you think you're in the depths of the valley, God will find a way to shine a little light on you. There is no testimony without a test and no rainbow without preceding rain. While everything is not A-okay, I thank God for everything he has done and is doing in my life and I will continue to try to dance in the rain while I wait on the rainbows. Be blessed!

Until next time,

Your favorite MD, Keisha B, Administrative Chief Resident 2015-2016 :-)

Mahogany Pearl: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13