Mahogany Pearls: The Residency Chronicles of Keisha B., MD: Growing Pains

Hey Y'all,

I'm blogging live from 3rd year! Can you believe it? I still can't. It feels like I just started residency and here I am half way through. Ain't God good?!? There were many times when I thought I wasn't going to make it or felt like I just wasn't cut out for this but, again, here I am. I'm very grateful.

Last time I blogged, I was telling you all that I was going to spend a month in the SICU and how terrified I was. Clearly, I made it through it but I was scared the whole time. We had some really sick patient's and many times I felt incompetent. I made it through just trying to be confident in what I knew and asking for help when I didn't know. I also worked with a really great team of residents and a wonderful fellow who is probably one of the smartest people I've ever met. Believe it or not, I also managed to have a little fun. What I do know for sure is that I'm not cut out for critical care. I took a lot of those patient's and their situations home with me and I still think about them now. I had no idea how many young people we lose to traumatic brain injuries secondary to car accidents until I worked in the unit. Watching a parent weep over their dead or dying child is something you never forget. I'll just stick to OB/Gyn. I am still grateful for the opportunity to have had that experience, but one round is good enough for me.

I intended to blog on the night prior to the start of my 3rd year, but I was on nights and was kind of busy. I'm sure you already know what I am about to say... I was TERRIFIED and very worried. 3rd year brings a great deal of responsibility. Now, I'm not only responsible for myself and my patients, but I'm also responsible for the incoming residents AKA the interns. I'm responsible for teaching, guiding and catching mistakes. Any mistakes that are made fall on me, because I'm the upper level. So, I'm sure you can imagine the amount of stress that is involved. The first week, in my opinion, didn't go so well. It's probably because I'm a perfectionist and I don't like to make mistakes. To me, if there are mistakes made, I'm not doing a good job. So, that's how I felt after the completion of last week. This new role is also a test of your patience. I'm extremely impatient. Having to sit and let the interns learn their way and figure things out is difficult for me, just as it is with me and parenting. I'm a doer, so I'd rather just do it myself. However, it is impossible for them to learn if I do everything for them and instead of helping them, it cripples them. That's one thing I'm trying to work on. Her performance is a reflection of me and how well I've done teaching and being a good example. I also would like for her to look back on this time with me and be able to say that she enjoyed it and learned a lot. It's a great responsibility and I just want to do a good job. We have a good batch of interns this year and they are actually doing a very good job, but I'm sure they feel like they aren't, just as I do. We're all feeling the growing pains.

I had to make it a point to sit down with the primary first year that I'm working with and explain my personality to her. Those who know me well, know that for the most part I'm very serious (with occasional dry humor) and an introvert. I don't play a lot and I don't talk a lot. I like for things to be done well and done expeditiously. I can also come off as abrasive because I say what I feel whether people like it or not and I mean what I say (which is probably why I have so few friends! LOL). I've tamed my frontal lobe quite a bit since entering residency and I don't say EVERYTHING that is on my mind anymore, but I don't do fake very well. If there is a problem, I'm going to tell you and I want you to do the same. I'm just very straightforward. This is difficult for some people, and probably why I'm sort of a loner and don't really fit in. So, I wanted her to understand that I'm not trying to be mean nor am I a B-word. I'm just very direct, and rather than talking about you behind your back and telling others what you're doing wrong or how you can improve, I'd rather just tell you. That's something I noticed when I started the program and swore I'd never do. There was a lot of talk about people when they weren't around; things that no one ever said to them. But how do you expect someone to improve if you tell others what they're doing instead of telling them. Yes, it's very difficult not to say ANYTHING behind anyone's back and unrealistic to think that it's possible. My point is that if there is an issue, you should just bring it to that person. And PLEASE don't smile in my face and talk about me behind my back. I HATE THAT. It's one of my pet peeves. I guess that's how things go when you're dealing with a female majority. It's kind of like being in a sorority.

In other news, my mama has gotten a new job... in ARIZONA *insert tears here*. I haven't dealt with it very well. I can't even really talk about it. She will be moving the last weekend in July and it has taken everything I have just to hold myself together. My mom has been my rock through residency (heck, throughout my life!) and this transition is going to be difficult, not only for me, but also for Jai. Her help has been invaluable. There aren't enough words in all of the languages combined that could express my gratitude for all that she's done. She has been waiting a very long time for this breakthrough, so I can't think about myself at this point. She deserves this opportunity and I thank God for giving it to her. Now, I have to figure out how I'm going to get through the next 2 years without her help. I'm looking for a nanny/sitter and trying to figure everything out. I don't even have to say how stressful it is, because I'm sure it can be assumed. I know God always makes a way, but it's difficult not to worry when you don't know how things are going to play out. I don't have a normal life. I'm in residency, working crazy hours with a 7 year old. I just want to get through it and keep my sanity. Going back to the paragraph above, the fact that I am an introvert also means that I keep everything to myself (which is why the fact that I even write this blog is so interesting). I don't let people into my life, so I just deal with things on my on. In doing that, my fuse gets a little short and my tolerance for BS gets even lower. So, please think of me and my little one in your prayers as our journey takes yet another turn. Also, please pray for my mom as she embarks on this new chapter in her life. I worry so much because 1) I'm a worrier at baseline and 2) She's going to be out there alone with family hundreds of miles away.

My life is definitely going through some growing pains and they hurt like hell (excuse my language). But, I know that growth is good and I will be able to look back on this time and allow it to remind me of where I've been and where I have the capability to go. When I look back on my life prior to med school when I was trying to get in and even during med school when I thought I wasn't going to make it out, I'm reminded of God's goodness. I'm reminded of the fact that He is the one who chose this path for me and He will be the one to carry me through the dark times, just as He has before. When I feel like I'm not doing a good job, or that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, He always finds a way to speak to my heart. For example, I was rounding with one of our Maternal Fetal Medicine staff last this past week and she said, out of the blue, "Your patient's LOVE you! Do you hear me?? LOVE you! They're always ranting and raving about you. Dr. Bell, this and Dr. Bell, that." She then referenced one patient in particular and talked about how she won't even take their expert advice without speaking to me first. This conversation came at a time when I wasn't feeling so wonderful. It was something I needed to hear and I'm thankful for the reassurance.

Growth is a part of life. It's impossible to get to new phases in life without it. This is a big spurt for me, though. I can't wait to see where it takes me... Thanks, again, for following my journey. Your support is greatly appreciated!

Love, Your Favorite MD,

Keisha B.

Mahogony Pearl: "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." - Edward Teller