The Firing Squad

Hey Everybody!!!

It feels as if it has been forever since I've written a blog (I think I say that every time! LOL.) I've completed 2 rotations since I last blogged. Last time I was telling y'all about my anxiety about starting Oncology and the worries I had about doing a good job, facing cancer with my patients and death/dying. I completed my oncology rotation at the end of October and I absolutely LOVED it! Outside of delivering babies, that rotation was truly the best rotation I've done since starting residency. Our Gyn/Onc attending is simply AWESOME (I mean it. She's a freaking ROCK STAR) and my team was great. I definitely worked hard, but I loved every minute of it. I really enjoyed getting to know and take care of my sweet patients on chemotherapy. I covet them to this day. It's amazing that the sweetest patient's I've ever encountered are ones who are in the fight of their lives and have every right to be mad at the world, but instead are beacons of love and light. My fear of losing a patient came to fruition on that rotation and it was really hard for me. My heart breaks, even now, as I think about those ladies that I got to know so well going on to be with the Lord. But when I really think about it, there's no better place that they can be. I'll always remember them, their names, their faces, their stories. I'll always hold them close to my heart. I did SO much on that rotation from participating in the care of really ill patient's to my first abdominal hysterectomy, but what I cherish most is the moments I spent at the bedside of patient's holding their hand, talking to them and praying with/for them. It renewed by spirit and reminded me of why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place.

After completing my Oncology rotation in October, I moved on to Gyn where I got to do quite a bit of operating; hysterectomies, D&C's, tubal ligations, etc. I enjoyed it, but it seemed to go by so fast. Now I am on the Specialty Clinic service where I am the only resident on service. I operate with our Minimally Invasive Surgery staff twice a week and go to a clinic where I only do ultrasounds. It's a pretty good rotation. The only downfall is PreOp conference (insert music signifying impending doom here). PreOp conference is where the chief of each service presents their service's OR cases (scheduled operations) for the next week. It is supposed to prepare us for the oral boards that we have to take to become board certified in OB/Gyn after we graduate. I have dreaded PreOp conference since I first sat through it during my 3rd year of medical school. I lovingly call it "the firing squad." You stand up there in front of a room full of faculty, peers and medical students and present each case one-by-one. After each case the faculty asks you questions pertaining to the case and sometimes even some random questions that you could never anticipate. You are supposed to prepare ahead of time, of course, but you can never anticipate all of the questions. Sometimes, if you get the question wrong, you get the dreaded "This is bread and butter Gyn, you should know that" or something to that effect. Or they just keep asking question after question after question and you end up feeling like a dumb a## (excuse my language).

So, since I am the only one on this service, I have the pleasure of presenting at preop conference EVERY Wednesday this month, starting tomorrow. To say that I am petrified is an understatement. The mere anticipation of the firing squad is enough to make me need a Xanax! I'm a tough girl, but those who know me know that I am PAINFULLY shy and I ABHOR public speaking. I'm even more concerned because I've already been somewhat ridiculed about the way I speak (too fast, muffled, mumbled, unclear, etc.) and now I have to stand up in front of all of these people and present not one but FOUR cases tomorrow. Once I get through the presentation I have to deal with the onslaught of questions. I always panic when I'm asked questions. Even if I know the answer I sometimes hesitate to say it because I don't want to be wrong and look dumb. I've been preparing for this conference since Sunday and I still feel as though I can almost guarantee that I will walk away wearing the dunce cap tomorrow, leaving people wondering how I ever got into residency in the first place with my obviously inadequate knowledge base. Lord, have mercy....

I've been so worked up and stressed about it that I got frustrated helping Jai with her homework tonight and was not the nicest mommy I could be. I then had to sit her down and apologize for my behavior as it is never the right thing to do to take my frustrations out on her. I knew I had hurt her feelings and that broke my heart. I told her that even mommies can be wrong and I was wrong for the way I acted. The tears are welling up now as I tell y'all about it. It's not easy carrying all of the frustrations and stresses of residency coupled with parenting. But there should never be a time when I take that out on her. When I realized that was what I had done, I had to correct it. I couldn't let her go to bed without apologizing. We've been in this thing together from the start. She's my A-1 since Day 1, as they say. I always want to make sure our relationship is a great one. I can't let the stresses of residency get in the way of that. I love my little boo too much for that. As Sweet Brown would say, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I've got to get back to my preparations for PreOp AKA the firing squad AKA the public stoning. I'd like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year just in case I start slacking on my blogging again! Thank y'all so much for your continued support and prayers. Keep it coming! I appreciate it more than you know!

Love,

Your Favorite MD, Keisha B.

Mahogany Pearl: "Troubles are the tools by which God fashions us for better things." - Henry Ward Beecher